Honour is just a concept created by the patriarchs to ensure their dominance and control over women. Honour is a fear tactic to keep women in their place – where they are powerless and oppressed. Anyone who dares to speak against is immediately restrained and shamed. If the survivors continue their struggle, they are abused to the point that they submit infinitely or they are murdered. Please watch this video where Jasvinder Sanghera shares her struggle and the struggle of those trapped in this evil oppressive trap of the “Honour system”.
The sad thing is the people doing this to you are the ones who are meant to love you the most.
-Jasvinder Sanghera
Jasvinder Sanghera shares her story of escaping child marriage. She speaks of her protests against the marriage when she was 14 years of age and the harmful consequences of her protests. Fortunately, she manages to run away and escape from her abusers. She was disowned as she had dishonoured the family and she was left to fend for her own. An important part of her escape was the help she received from the police officer who found her when she had run away. She pleaded him to not send her back to her family. He listened to this run-away teenager and helped her by not talking her back to her family.
She compares her story to that of two victims of honour-based killing: Raveena, her older sister and Shafilea Ahmed.
“There were certain things we were not allowed to do as normal adolescents growing up… we were not allowed to go to the school disco; we were not allowed to talk to a boy. Because all these things were deemed right and proper and honourable.
If we breached any of those codes – these conditioning because were learnt to do this through our behaviour, and we were ruled by fear.
These were the rules of engagement, and if we breached them we put ourselves at risk.
It could be a trigger for significant harm, physical abuse, forced marriage and we know today, even murder.”
-Jasvinder Sanghera
Raveena was two years older than Jasvinder. When she was in high school, her education was stopped and she was sent to Pakistan to get married to a stranger of her parent’s choice. Her marriage was terrible; she was abused physically and psychologically. She didn’t want to leave the marriage because she was committed to her duty of upholding the honour of her family. She sought help from the elders of her community. They advised mediation with the perpetrators. She was forced to go back to her hostile family without any real help. She committed suicide.
Shafilea Ahmed was a young girl with dreams and ambition which were seen as being too “Westernized” by her family. She tried to run away multiple times, seeking help from various non-profits. Sadly, her pleads to save her from family went unheard. She was taken back to her family to mediate their differences. It can only be assumed that her family put on a face convincing enough to show that they cared for their daughter and that she was safe in their hands. They murdered her.
“My mother and the females of the family are the key perpetrators – I am ashamed to say that women do uphold these honour systems and are the gatekeepers to this abuse.”
-Jasvinder Sanghera
To this day, women continue to live in fear in their own homes, conducting themselves to the set rules that uphold honour of their family and culture, even if it is against their own will and even if it means they have to put up with hostile and toxic relationships. Speaking out is deemed dishonourable and is usually retaliated against by physical and psychological harm. Seeking help from “wise” elders of the community results in mediation with perpetrators and the women are forced back into their hostile environments, often times leading to suicide or murder.
This is a sad reality of so many women in the world whether they reside in a developed country or a developing country. Be mindful of the attitudes and beliefs of people, take the lead in initiating difficult conversations about violence and abuse, and create a supportive environment to promote survivors to seek help without fear.
Remember mediation with perpetrators does not always mean things will be alright.
Compassion. Community. Culture. 