CONTENT WARNING: Family violence, Trauma
When someone is sharing their lived experiences of family violence or any distressing experience, it is very important to be mindful about the fact that everyone has unique experiences and that trauma impacts each person differently. It is important to believe survivors when they share their experiences but also remember to ground yourself to the fact that you have not seen or experienced that person’s life at all and so you are in no place to judge it or place yourself in a position of power to dictate to them what they should do and how they should feel.
I would also like to emphasize beforehand that if you are in a situation where the topic of conversation is something you are uncomfortable talking about at that time and space, communicate that to the person politely and guide the conversation another way. I will provide more guidance about expressing your discomfort to someone who may want to talk about a topic you are uncomfortable about in later blogs. Today, I want to share a few things you should never ever say to someone who is sharing their lived experience with you if you have proactively engaged in having this conversation.
1. You think you are the only one who has experienced this?
While sharing family violence experiences, you may realize that there are many similarities in your collective experience, however, never undermine or invalidate their trauma by saying things like, ” You think you are the only one?”. People often share a small glimpse of their lived trauma, making judgmental or snarky comments may push survivors to be defensive and dive deeper into revealing details of their experience which can be very triggering and may offset their healing process, sometimes even triggering serious mental health issues like panic attacks, disassociation and severe depression which they may already be coping with.
2. They were doing it to make you stronger, look how good you turned out.
Well this may seem like a well-meaning comment but by saying this you are justifying the abuse faced by the person. It suggests that they should be grateful for the trauma and simply ignore the damage caused – something the person may already be fighting to deal with everyday. By having such a thought process you are turning a blind eye to the person’s traumas and all the efforts they are putting in coping with the impacts of their lived experience.
3. There are two sides to a story – were you provoking them?
4. But think about your family and what they have been through.
5. You should try to be sensitive and understanding towards them (abusers) – You are all they have and they have given so much to give you better life – you should show them more gratitude and respect.
The next three things that I would advice never to say have a similar theme: Sympathizing with the abuser. Often times toxic traits within family come from a history of unresolved mental health and social issues, survival of man-made and natural disasters and wars, and traditions. Lack of resources to heal from these issues and denial to seek help are few of the main reasons why family violence still exists, harming so many individuals and the community as a whole.
Survivors of family violence know that the circumstances of their family. A lot of them already know that the toxic traits are learned behaviors that abusers are not willing to change. Often times, they may have even reflected on it and justified the abuse themselves.
When someone shares their experience, they are speaking of their own thoughts and feelings. They are navigating their healing process by sharing stories. They are learning to set boundaries for their own safety and well-being and for the people involved. They are processing their life and the impacts of trauma at their own pace. Questioning them to think about family history and background can be very invalidating to the person’s lived experiences; it can be very accusing and damaging to the person’s healing process and may induce feelings of distress, guilt and self-hatred in the person.
Let people share their lived experiences without any judgement – if you feel like you are not in the right headspace to listen without any judgements or this topic is not something you want to engage in, it is absolutely okay and you have every right to politely let the person know that you are unable to have this conversation. If you want to help the person – be a supportive listener, be genuine in wanting to hear their story and helping them cope with their trauma. Gestures of kindness and care can go a long way.
Compassion. Community. Culture. 