5 things you should NEVER say when someone is sharing their Family Violence experiences

1. You think you are the only one who has experienced this?
2. They were doing it to make you stronger, look how good you turned out.
3. There are two sides to a story – were you provoking them?
4. But think about your family and what they have been through.
5. You should try to be sensitive and understanding towards them (abusers) – You are all they have and they have given so much to give you  better life – you should show them more gratitude and respect.

If you have accepted to provide supportive listening and opened up the space for someone to share their lived experiences, it is very important to be mindful about the fact that everyone has unique experiences and trauma impacts each person differently. It is important to believe survivors when they share their experiences and but also remember to ground yourself to the fact that you have not seen or experienced that person’s life at all and so you are in no place to judge it or place yourself higher than them. Here are somethings you should never say to someone who is looking for support and a space to share their experiences of family violence.

1. You think you are the only one who has experienced this?

While sharing experiences in a conversation related to family violence, you may realize that there are many similarities in your collective experiences, however, I kindly advise you to never undermine or invalidate their trauma by saying things like, “You think you are the only one?” or “I experienced worse”.

People often share a small glimpse of their lived trauma, making judgmental or snarky comments like these may push survivors to be defensive and dive deeper into revealing details of their experience which can be very triggering and may offset their healing process, sometimes even triggering serious mental health issues like panic attacks, disassociation and severe depression which they may already be trying to cope with.

Everyone has unique capacities of coping with trauma. The same experience can crush one person and have little effect on another. Each of those capacities should be respected and their method to heal and move forward validated.

2. They were doing it to make you stronger, look how good you turned out.

Well this may seem like a well-meaning comment but it sounds like you are justifying the abuse faced by the person. It suggests that they should be grateful for the trauma and ignore the damage caused (many survivors would like to ignore the damages but trauma is invasive and the destructive impact can only be dealt with through mindful intervention).

By having such a thought process you are turning a blind eye to the person’s traumas and all the efforts they are putting in coping with the impacts of their lived experience.

3. There are two sides to a story – were you provoking them?

There can be two sides to a story but at the moment when someone is trying to share the hurt and pain they experienced, the hurt can be amplified when questions of disbelief are thrown at the person. People deserve to have space to share their experiences to process. If you as a listener are unable to have a productive supportive conversation, it is very important to step away politely. Stepping away politely can be more powerful and serves as an act of kindness than invalidating the survivor’s experiences.

4. But think about your family and what they have been through.

Often times toxic traits within family come from a history of unresolved mental health and social issues, for example, survival of man-made and natural disasters, wars, and harmful traditions. Lack of resources to heal from these issues and denial to seek help are few of the main reasons why family violence still exists, harming so many individuals and the community as a whole.

Survivors of family violence know the circumstances of their family. A lot of them already know that the toxic traits are learned behaviors that abusers are not willing to change. Often times, they may have even reflected on it and justified the abuse themselves. When someone shares their experience, they are speaking of their own thoughts and feelings. They are navigating their healing process by sharing stories. They are learning to set boundaries for their own safety and well-being and for the people involved. They are processing their life and the impacts of trauma at their own pace.

5. You should try to be sensitive and understanding towards them (abusers) – You are all they have and they have given so much to give you  better life – you should show them more gratitude and respect.

Questioning them to think about family history and background can be very invalidating to the person’s lived experiences; it can be very accusing and damaging to the person’s healing process and may induce feelings of distress, guilt and self-hatred in the person. Let people share their lived experiences without any judgement – if you feel like you are not in the right headspace to listen without judgements or the topic of conversation is not something you want to engage in, it is absolutely okay to step away and you have every right to politely let the person know that you are unable to have this conversation.